As of lately, many people are facing the old familiar triggers of feeling inadequate, not enough, always 'short of the glory', etc., more than usual. In conversations that I've had this week with an old friend of mine, lots of memories came up. Reminiscing of when we were growing up in the church, I talked about the many experiences I had on the deeper personal level of before and after leaving the church.
Please do not take any of my own personal testimony personally or offensively. This is purely my own personal experiences and they are not meant to judge the church or anyone who still attends church or have a strong religious faith.
I grew up in the church. It was the most challenging time for me. In short, I had a challenging home life and I was desperate for someone, anyone to 'SEE' me, 'HEAR' me and understand me on some deeper level. I was miserable, lonely, felt isolated, depressed, and more. I thought at the time my faith and the people in my church would be of some assistance to me all of those years. I did everything they said. I read and followed my bible. I prayed. I lived my life as a young woman of faith as much as I possibly could. I tried to live up to the expectations of God and the people in my church. I only found myself more and more miserable, depressed, isolated, etc..
When I went to my youth pastors, pastors, spiritual leaders, etc., in my church, I only got advice or lectures on what I wasn't doing right or given a sympathetic pat on the back advising me to keep praying to God for guidance and to stay steadfast. I'd be told I needed prayed over as there were negative spirits and spiritual attachments on me that needed to be rid of. I would be told I was being 'attacked' by Satan, and the list goes on and on. For the most part, they meant well, but none of them could see past the bible verses and the routine prayers and constantly repeated general advice, lectures, pat answers, and empty words of encouragement to not give up.
As the years went by, I grew more and more depressed and resentful. Once I divorced, I lost all of who I thought were my friends. I was so deep in the church, that I didn't have any outside friends as I'd grown up believing that it was wrong to mix and mingle with non-christians or the unsaved. So once I was divorced, I left the church and I was friendless. I had a handful of people who tried to stick with me and reel me back into the church and fix my marriage. I was a homemaker so I had to go out into the world and get a job. It was a culture shock to me as I realized there were real genuine people in this world and the best part was, they didn't care where I'd been or who I'd been, what I'd done. They liked and accepted me. For ME. When I developed some friendships that I felt I could trust and confide in, I was surprised to no hear what I was doing wrong, or how I was being attacked, or had some evil spirit attached to me, or how I needed prayer, etc.. I realised that it wasn't God's doing but human programming and ego.
I was able to confide in some of my new friends and they actually listened to every word I said, they saw me, and had some empathy for me. I also didn't feel judged. I got a lot of their stories of how they resonated and told their similar stories. For the first time I didn't feel alone. I was never told about all of my shortcomings or how I would never be enough, etc..
I felt loved, accepted and I definitely felt that it was ok to be a flawed human. I was finally ok with being not ok. I was ok with being a flawed human. I didn't feel worthless anymore. I actually saw authentic love, I saw God in those people. I felt the real Great Spirit in them.
Understand that we are all flawed but it doesn't mean we are doomed or unworthy. Humans put high expectations on humans. Every human treats others according to their programming and life experiences. It's learned behavior. Keep this in mind as you become more aware of your own inner work and the behavior of humanity around you. We are all beautifully and wonderfully made. We are here for our own expansion and every experience is a lesson to awaken us, to get our attention. Self love is always inevitable in any lesson, but we don't have to feel that we have to master this life today. Our flaws build character, give us strength, make us wiser, more mindful, more confident, thicker skinned, etc.. They are what make all of us unique. We are able to rise above them and use them as our stepping stones into the future. They assist us in discovering and rediscovering ourselves, and growing into our full potential. We don't appreciate things like love, healing, confidence, triumph, genuine happiness, joy, peace, etc., if we haven't experienced the opposite. It's all a part of every one of our paths. It all comes with the territory of this human experience. We are the only ones that make things more complex for ourselves and each other.
So as we go through our own personal life path experiences, let's remember to embody and become all those things we desire. Embody and become the person you needed in those most challenging times. We align ourselves with those people as we become them ourselves. The healing flows effortlessly to and from us and others. We all know those people who always leave people better than how they found them. We all know those people who left this world a better place than when they arrived in it. Let's be better versions of ourselves and show authentic truth. Let others see Great Spirit/God/Universe within us.
You are loved. You are beautiful. You are perfect just the way you are.